rodent cemetery

Our cat brought home another dead animal. 

I am overcome with anger, guilt and sadness.

I buried this small rodent in our garden - he was beautiful.

I realize all this will sound completely ridiculous to some. My feelings are big. They always have been. Situations that leave some indifferent, leave me unable to care for myself in the most basic ways.

I have spent most of my life unsuccessfully trying to get away from my feelings. They are messy, loud and uncomfortable. Not only can I not get away from them, the harder I try, the louder and more rambunctious they get. They will not be ignored. 

My feelings seem to threaten my very identity and existence. They are dangerous. I have believed this to be true for so very long - that feelings are to be feared and controlled because they are so powerful and destructive. But, I am slowly learning that they cannot kill me. I have lived my life trying (and failing) to outrun my feelings and it has left me exhausted and in a lot of pain.

So I'm trying to be brave and feel my feelings. To welcome them, rather than try to fight them. To let them do their job of reminding me that I am human. That being human is a difficult task, but that difficult is not bad or good it is just difficult.

Our cat walks toward me with this poor creature in his mouth. He seems proud to present us with what he assumes is a gift. This is a gift I do not want. I do not want to be responsible for the suffering of another. This is not because I'm a good person. I am not. I am actually really bad at being a person. It is because other peoples' suffering causes me pain. Being aware of someone's feelings is not an intellectual exercise for me, it is an emotional process I cannot escape.

I am angry at my cat. But really, who am I kidding, I am mad at myself. My cat doesn't know any better. He is a skilled hunter and strong purrer (no, it’s not really a word) but these are not decisions that he makes. He is my responsibility, that's why I feel guilty. The species I belong to has domesticated a predator into a super-predator and I have chosen to feed, shelter and love three of them. They did not choose us, we chose them and we are responsible for the impact they have on the other animals we share our surroundings with. I am angry at myself because I chose to prioritize one animal's pleasure over the concern for another's life.

I am trying to feel my feelings in the hopes that these big feelings of mine have a purpose. That my feelings will reconnect me with myself and others and help bring me back to life. To be continued...